I Saw it in Her Eyes

I dropped my middle guy, Christopher, off at Skill Sprout just now. He volunteers at Skill Sprout as a “typical peer” to hang out with special needs kiddos who need help with their social skills. My oldest is one of these special needs kids. He’s received social skills therapy for years from Skill Sprout. Christopher decided to start volunteering earlier this year and he loves it!

We walked in to the waiting room and Steve (not his real name, confidentiality) and his family walked in behind us. Steve said hi to us both, which is a HUGE achievement for him and it made me smile. Steve came up to me and said watch. I held out my arm and said, “Steve, do you like my watch?” He tapped the glass and said, “Clock.” I said, “Yes, Steve, it is a clock! Very good!” I smiled at him and then glanced over at his mom. She smiled at me with a certain look in her eyes that I know so well. I walked out to my car and thought for a moment and it brought tears to my eyes. She doesn’t know I have a special guy of my own, so I’m sure she wasn’t sure what to expect from me. That look in her eyes was relief, pride, and happiness. I thought deeply about that on the car ride home and thought what that look really means.

Steve’s mom was proud of her son, because he voluntarily interacted with me and did very well. She was relieved because I interacted back and treated him with dignity and respect. I didn’t expect more from him that what he had to give. She was happy because it’s not often that you can expect such interactions, especially from strangers.

Now, I didn’t do anything special. I just responded and reacted to what he offered me. Just like I would the cashier or bagger at Kroger, or the bank teller at Chase, or the FitBit technical support guy on the phone (and now you know what I did with my day). I’m not special. I didn’t do anything special. I don’t have special skills. To me that specific interaction would typically rate a big 0-1 on the impact it creates in my day. But that look in her eyes, that interaction rated HUGE in the day of Steve and his mom. Why is that?

Most strangers avoid people, especially kids, that are different… especially those with special needs. We don’t do it on purpose. Am I right? We don’t walk around with the jerk hole intentions of ignoring special needs folks. I mean, I don’t, but I do it even though I have a special need kid and I don’t even realize it.

We don’t know what to do. This is the big truth, isn’t it? We don’t know what to say or how to react if we don’t understand them or what to do if they have behaviors… so we just pretend they aren’t there. It makes life simpler.

I decided that maybe I could give a few pointers coming from a different perspective.

1. Don’t ignore them. You don’t have to have a life changing meaningful conversation (at least to our standards), but if they are right next to you, or you’re walking past and you would smile or say hi if it was anybody else, do that. They just want to fit into society in whatever way possible. They aren’t asking you to step in and take on any responsibility other than just to see and interact with them.
2. It’s okay if you don’t understand them. This is a big one for us. My Paul’s first red flag was his language skills. Up until may the last year or two, people wouldn’t typically understand him. Some people still don’t. It’s okay. It was never a surprise to me that people couldn’t understand. Sometimes I didn’t. Simply say, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” If they are accompanied by someone, it’s okay to ask for help. “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. Can you tell me what they said?” Yes, it’s humbling for us, but it’s life for them. If there isn’t anyone to help, just do the best you can. They may have to repeat themselves a few times or use hand gestures. Give them a break and show a minute bit of patience. If you feel they are in real need of help and you can’t understand what they need and they are alone, please contact someone in a position of authority who can help them. This is VERY important.
3. Don’t have expectations of them. I would argue that this should be a rule to live by with everyone. Accept what they have to give you and be okay with that. Steve said, “Clock.” He didn’t say, “it’s like a clock.” He just gave me one word. Clock is perfectly acceptable to me. I’m not his mom. I’m not his therapist. I’m not his speech pathologist. His interaction with me is not his therapy. When they reach to you accept them just as they are.
4. Don’t be mean. Now, I know that I shouldn’t have to say this but I’m going to tell you right now that I do. It makes me sad that I do, but it’s necessary. Luckily for us, not nice interactions (at least with me present) have been few and far between, but they still happen. My Paul is 5′ 5″ and practically has a mustache. He’s dark, handsome and bright eyed. For most people, they only indication that they have that he’s not typical is the way he interacts with people. This has caused some unrealistic expectations on him (see #3) and some dismay from others. So here’s the thing, you shouldn’t be mean to anyone, ESPECIALLY people who are different from you and ESPECIALLY because you don’t understand them. I repeat for the people in the back not listening and looking at Facebook videos… DON’T BE MEAN. You expect respect and dignity from others. Give it as well.
5. Ignore behaviors and meltdowns, but don’t ignore the mom/dad/guardian. All us parents know that the worst thing you can do is to give attention to a child who is having a meltdown. It just makes it worse. The case is the same in most instances for special needs people. Don’t give them attention for their behaviors, be it good attention or BAD. Especially not bad. Don’t finger point. Don’t be rude. Don’t mumble under your breath how you wish some parents could just control their kids. Don’t roll your eyes and fling yourself about in obvious disdain at your discomfort. But please, do give attention to the parent/guardian with them. Ask them if they’re okay or if they need any help at all. This is going to be uncomfortable, ya’ll, but just for a second imagine your places switched. When your special needs kid or adult melts down in public it IS embarrassing no matter how many times it’s happened. We KNOW that you’re questioning our parenting and care taking abilities. We know you have no idea and you don’t understand. But please, offer to help anyway. We probably don’t need it, but it means so much in our hearts just to have you ask.
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T This is truly the bottom line, here. Treat the person with respect. Treat them with dignity. Treat them the way you would want to be treated. Be honest. Be real. Just be vulnerable. It’s okay!!! No one ever died from putting themselves out there!

Now, I have a special needs child and I don’t always get it right, as I said before. When I saw the look in Steve’s mom’s eyes, I was taken aback because I really didn’t do anything special in my own regard. But man, it triggered those same feelings in me from our past. Don’t try to be perfect. Just try to be a nice person who cares. And I’ll do the same.